To Have and to Hold
by Eyes of Shinigami
Summary: Hakkai needs to remember there will always be someone there to hold on to. Written for Madhumulati’s challenge to me that involved the “grasping reflex.”


TITLE: To Have and To Hold

AUTHOR: Eyes of Shinigami

PAIRING: 58

TIMELINE: Sometime during the journey

RATING: K+

WARNINGS: M/M, fluff, mentions of violence and death

SUMMARY: Hakkai needs to remember there will always be someone there to hold on to. Written for Madhumulati's challenge to me that involved the "grasping reflex." After many, many tries, I finally came out with something I liked. I hope she does too!

DISCLAIMER: I own not the Saiyuki. I borrow only, yes.

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_The scent of blood was thick around him, choking him as the coppery taste flooded his senses. It didn't deter him any as the bodies fell and he felt the warm spray coat his arms and face. He wouldn't stop until he found her, no matter what it took. _

_He stumbled down, down through the darkness and the moldy smell of the dungeon. The sound of soft sobs that echoed through the hallway was what led him to her, only to watch her take her life before him. He could hear the sound of the blade sinking into her flesh and the sound of blood spattering against the stone floor. His brain reeled, and he knew it was all over. For a split second, he hated her, wishing it was him that had taken her life. How could she leave him alone like this?_

_Then, the collective wave of impending death and the shifting of his entire being at the hands of his thousandth victim crashed into him. He felt the fangs elongate in his mouth, the vines crawling across his flesh and spreading like wild fire, and the rage that had built up inside of him spilling out in a mad rush. He tore through the man with a single swipe, satisfied at the warmth trailing down his arm. The burning hatred in the other's eyes was like a drug and his head grew heady with it. A vicious cackle escaped his torn lips, ripping his arm up and out to seal his victim's fate forever._

_His monster had taken over now. He was sure there was more victims to find, more blood to lavish in, more death to revel in. His senses were coated in red, flooded with red…_

_-----_

Hakkai woke with a start, grasping for breath and instinctively clutching the wound on his stomach. Sweat poured down his face, though he was sure he was as pale as death. His body wouldn't stop shuddering and he felt his stomach turning in protest to his nightmare. He prepared to get out of the bed he shared with his lover; red was the last thing he needed to see right now, as much as he hated the very idea.

However, Gojyo wasn't so easily dissuaded. "Hakkai? What's wrong?" His voice was sleep-fogged, sitting up and rubbing his still bleary eyes. His lover's tension was palpable, surprised that Goku and Sanzo weren't able to feel it down the hall. The fact that Hakkai flinched when he moved closer was not lost on him, sighing when he let his hands drop to his sides. "You going to talk to me, or am I going to have to beat it out of you?"

A thin chuckle escaped the brunet at that, pressing the heel of each palm into an eye socket. He was reminded that his eye was not his own, much how he had given up his humanity to a monster. It made him sick, and he refused to look at Gojyo. "I…just had a nightmare. That's all. Nothing to worry about." He smiled brightly, though it didn't reach his eyes. And he wasn't surprised when Gojyo saw right through it.

"Cut the shit, Hakkai. It was about her, wasn't it? I know it's getting close to the time…you know…" Gojyo tried, faltering a bit. He wasn't sure how much to say, not wanting to make this any worse for his lover; it was hard enough that the anniversary of Kanan's death was just around the corner. The redhead had felt the shift in Hakkai's mood in recent days, not liking that she still hovered over him at times like this.

"Yes, it is. It just reminds me…of what I really am." Another brittle laugh escaped him, his hand fisting in the covers. Anger bit at the edge of his senses and he just wanted Gojyo to go away. To leave him to his pain and all the guilt he deserved. He didn't deserve the other man's love, his trust, or his companionship. None of it.

With a sigh and a sad smile, Gojyo wrapped his arms around the brunet and held him tightly. The body he was holding stiffened briefly, and he waited to brave the worst. However, after a long moment, he felt Hakkai relax into his embrace. Sometimes the other man was so stubborn. "And what are you? You're Hakkai. Okay, so you've got some issues, but who doesn't? I mean, look at Sanzo, and yet Goku still loves him anyway. Your problem is you think too much, babe." He hugged Hakkai tighter to him, pressing his lips to his lover's neck and smirking when he felt his pulse quicken. He never doubted that Hakkai loved him, and that he was a replacement for the one that he lost. Though, he knew that sometimes Hakkai needed to be reminded of that. "Hakkai, I love you. I must, since I picked your half-dead ass up off the side of the road in the pouring rain and nursed you back to health. We've been to hell and back again, and will probably make the trip a couple more times. But, one thing you can always count on me to hold you when you need it. I'm here to grasp if you feel like you're falling."

Hakkai's chest felt as though it would burst with emotion, burying his face in the arms that held him. Gojyo was right, after all. He just needed to remember that he wasn't alone, and that there was someone who loved him. He may have been a monster, but there was someone strong enough to love that monster too. "You're right…"

"Of course I'm right. I'm Sha Gojyo! Now, let's get back to sleep, since we all know Cranky Pants will want to be up and at 'em first thing in the morning. We don't want you half dead and trying to drive the car." The redhead offered a saucy wink and a wide smile, laying down and pulling his lover down with him.

Hakkai couldn't resist the beckoning warmth Gojyo offered, clutching at the man as though he were his last lifeline. He sighed softly in content, thinking to himself that perhaps Gojyo was just that. His lifeline.

Needless to say, Hakkai had no more nightmares that night.

--End--


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